In what many critics are calling a questionable plot twist, yesterday’s episode of the top rated show “Reality” saw the character of the President (played by WrestleMania 23 star “The Donald”) announce that he will be consuming (i.e. eating), “sooner than anyone thought possible,” the foreign Coronavirus. The Pres will be leading a big league team of American celebrity CEO’s (though admittedly B-list) into action against this season’s surprise villain, Covid-19, which has been a real ratings grabber. The Pres proclaimed, “We shall eat it on the borders. We shall bigly eat it on the cruises and yachts. We shall eat it with huge hunger, the likes of which you’ve never seen, on the land, the sea, and the ground. We shall defend our beautiful electoral map, whatever the nasty calories may be. We shall eat it on the beaches and the Trump resorts, we shall eat it at the family farms supplying our beautiful fast food, and steel mills that make our huge penis towers. We shall eat it at the strip mines and strip clubs, we shall eat it in perfect boardrooms across the US of A. We shall never be bigly full!”
​
Social media is abuzz with controversy over this episode, and the speech in particular. For analysis, we turn to a famous critic, who prefers to remain anonymous due to the current social media atmosphere. “I’m not really sure why the media is so focused on the online reactions. They are so clichéd, with the usual suspects, who say anything, without the gravitas of a real critic. As for this train wreck of show, we have seen this plot line developing for quite some time. It’s not like anyone watching the previous 50 episodes should have been surprised by Covid-19 as a villain. Come on, people, if the pandemic is introduced in the first act, the pandemic is going off in the third! Rehashed Comrade Bernie was obviously a red herring. As for the consuming denouement, this too has clearly been developed from the start. The President eats a lot. We get it. From his fast food banquets to his “perfect” chocolate cakes, we could only wonder whether this story line was ever going to go anywhere and now we have the answer: straight to the toilet, like the president himself. The press conference scene was so unrealistic, and this is something that has been going on for a while with this show. It constantly pushes the audience’s sense of normalcy. I mean, does anyone really believe that is how a public servant would answer a free press? And the speech, a blatant rip off of Churchill! But who am I kidding? Most people probably think Churchill’s a Gotham City cop. Does it jump the shark when a character can eat a virus? At this point, we have already shallowed so much, let us politely call it, fecal extravagance, that I’m not sure it matters. Does it ring true as a solution to the villainous Covid-19? I’m sure I am not the person to ask. I will say, however, that I am hoping the grand culmination of the show includes wafer thin mints for the whole SAD cast.”
​
But, this reporter, personally, can’t wait to see what happens. How will they pull off the eating action sequences? Slow motion gastronomy a la Peter Jackson? Heavy CGI for the President? Just how HUGE will he get?! Or will they opt for low tech practical effects like JJ Abrams? Will the President need a double? Was it foreshadowing in episode 937 when the President’s son, Junior, posted the President as Rambo? And how will they represent the virus? A greenish super blob? Plus, who will voice it? I’m thinking there is only one villain that is worthy: Nasty Hillary! Some will say that this is just copying the return of the Emperor in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, but I don’t think that is really fair. Unlike Star Wars, “Reality” has well prepared the ground for her return with repeated references in the (let us admit, endless) rally scenes. Lock Her Up! In the President’s Paunch! Whoa! How mind blowing would that be?! (Yes, we live in a four exclamation point world).
​
Also, let’s have greenish brown foreign hordes throwing themselves at the border wall. The President’s wall would finally come into play, after all this build up. How will his wall compare with GOT? I have got to think bigger. With crocodiles and flames, lots of flames. Guest director Michael Bay? This is all so thrilling.
​
And who will be the superhero team alongside the Pres taking on this menace? We already know about the CEO “celebrities,” but I have to admit I’m not very juiced by them. Where’s Zuck and The Musk? I want to see M-Squared with his Nuclear Option opener, followed by The Nobody-Expects-The Stephen Miller Spray-On Hair Solution, and closing with The Blanched Turnip and his Too-Biblical-to-Be-Alone-With finisher. We have all heard of the President’s signature move, but the question remains, does Covid-19 have a pussy? And further, can said pussy be grabbed? I seem to be losing my journalistic composure here. But it is all so overwhelming. Can you fucking believe this experience?!
​